Three Weddings and a Funeral
by Goldylokz
Summary: Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today as a consequence of love, raging hormones, free cake, and an open bar.... A smutty Jonda oneshot! Chaos reigns!


Disclaimer: I own nothing. I am to a spiritual level beyond material possessions. Therefore, I must borrow everyone else's.

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**A/N:** It has been requested several times for me to write a Jonda make-out scene (or at least one repeated request). I usually maintain the ground that one's imagination works much better for such acts than portraying them on screen or in writing. But I've been inspired and decided that I'd try my hand at it. So, here's too some Jonda smut! -raises glass for toast- 

Just so we're clear, this story is not related to my _Nine to Five_ stuff, although there will be a similar scene in _All Fired Up_.

This story takes place several years after the series ended. Five or sixish.

And here is an additional warning: If you haven't gotten it already, that M up there, isn't just for looks. This one-shot contains adult content and a couple descriptive make-out scenes. Oh, and I can't forget the drinking. So there, you have been forewarned! Dirtiness exists here. If you do not want to be dirty go somewhere else!

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_"On nights such as this, evil deeds are done. And good deeds, of course. But mostly evil on the whole." _---Terry Pratchett, _Wyrd Sisters_

**Three Weddings and A Funeral  
**aka A HJM (Hot Jonda Make-out) For Skysong**  
**

A loose lock of red tipped black hair fell forward into her eyes. Wanda Maximoff, annoyed at that part of her body, quickly reached out and tucked the stray behind her ear. She placed her chin back in her left hand and picked up her wine glass with the other. With boredom in her eyes, she looked at the red liquid swishing around in her glass.

_Someone is staring at me again_. She had been getting the same "I'm being watched" feeling sporadically throughout the night at the outdoor reception on the grounds of Xavior's Institute. She looked up and caught the eye of one of the groomsmen, the skinny one with the goofy grin. He didn't even bother looking away when she caught him. He never did. Wanda returned his glaze until she felt his eyes burning into her soul. Like every other time that night, she had been the one to look away first. At first she didn't mind much; he was kind of handsome, in a strange, unexplainable way. But after dinner was over and no words had passed between the two, Wanda's intrigue had turned to annoyance.

The girl took a sip of her wine and went back to staring at the glass. The wine doesn't stare back. She stopped her hand and started spinning it in the other direction. She could still feel his eyes on her, and sure enough, when she looked up, he was still staring.

"That's enough!" Wanda said agitatedly to herself. She slammed down her drink and marched to the head table. "Are you going to stare at me all night or what?"

The orange haired groomsman jumped as if he had been awoken from a deep sleep. "What are you talking 'bout, sheila?"

"AGGGH!" Wanda threw her arms in the air and turned away. An icy blue glow formed around a center piece of flowers sitting in front of him. The flowers came to life and leapt at the groomsman's face. He was shocked for a second, but then quickly burnt the flowers to ash with a nearby candle flame.

Meanwhile Wanda passed her table, grabbing her glass on the way to the bar.

The bartender smiled seductively at her as he refilled her drink. "You know, I thought the devil was supposed to wear a blue dress." The man winked at Wanda dressed in a traditional back laced red corset, black undershirt with cap sleeves and slitted red and black lace skirt.

Wanda snatched her drink from his hands, then hexed the unopened bottles of champaign to pop their corks at him. "Whatever my brother paid you to say that, it wasn't enough."

She left him bruised and confused. "What brother?"

Wanda glanced around the room, trying to locate her ride. She wanted to leave. She regretted coming to the reception to begin with. This was not her scene. While looking around, her eyes fell on the strangely handsome groomsman again. Wanda growled. He was still staring at her.

A few seconds later she caught sight of her party. They were playing some sort of drinking game. Wanda was halfway to them, when Fred Dukes let out a belch that knocked Todd Tolanski over. All of the boys cheered and, in their drunken state, attempted to lift the big boy onto their shoulders. This is until groomsman Kurt Wagner let one out that knocked Fred down. Now the boys cheered for Kurt.

Embarrassed to be associated with the Brotherhood at that moment, Wanda quickly turned and headed back to her table of solitude. On a whim, she glanced at the head table. He was gone. She grew confused and a little disappointed, until he popped up in front of her face.

"Yes," was all he said.

Wanda took a step back to regain some of her personal space. "What?"

"You asked me if I was gonna stare at you all night."

She rolled her eyes and tried to brush him aside. "Great."

"I woulda talked to you sooner, but I wasn't sure how you'd react since the last thing you ever said to me was, 'Die bee, die like a pig,'" the groomsman babbled as he followed her.

Wanda turned around and squinted at him. "Never in my screwed up existence, have those words come from my mouth."

"Oh, yeah," he looked up. "I guess that wasn't you."

After letting out another aggravated grunt, Wanda turned to walk quickly away from this psycho that she foolishly initiated a conversation with. She prayed that he would just go back to staring at her from afar. But, much to her chagrin, he continued to follow her back to her table.

"You'd be doing a much better job of stalking me if you were sitting somewhere else."

"Stalking you? Who said I was stalking you, sheila? Do I look like Remy?"

Wanda suppressed a grin before commenting, "My name isn't Sheila."

"Neither is mine." The man leaned forward and whispered, "Not when I'm dressed in these clothes, anyway." Wanda's jaw dropped, but John wasn't phased and extended his hand, "St. John Allerdyce. But most people call me John."

Wanda didn't take his hand; she didn't say anything. She just stared at the man, wishing the circus would realize that they were missing someone and come back to take him away.

"Do you have a name?" he put down his hand and broke the silence.

Wanda ignored him and looked at her drink. Her tact was to ignore him until he gave up and went awa_y._

"No name, huh? Then I will give you one!" he declared and threw his arm up in the air.

"Please no," Wanda mumbled as she shook her head in her hand.

John ignored her comment and started staring at her again. This time his brow was furrowed in deep thought, and he was rubbing his chin. "I got it!" He grabbed a butter knife off the table and brandished it in the direction of her left shoulder. "I dub you Lady Willy Wagtail! (1)"

"Willy Wagtail?"

John furrowed his brow again, then nodded. "Definitely. Definitely Willy Wagtail." The boy leaned forward on the table. "So, Willy, where are you from?"

"Wanda," the girl spit out in spite of herself.

"Wanda? I've never heard of that place before. Is it in Jersey?"

"No, you dumbass. My name is Wanda."

"Well, I was close, Willy."

The Scarlet Witch grew hot. "Stop calling me Willy! You know my name now!"

"Do you have a last name to go with that, or are you like Cher and Madonna?"

The Witch cringed at the comparison. She decide to answer him, hoping it would shut him up. "Maximoff. Wanda Maximoff."

But he didn't. "Oh! So you're the old boss's daughter! I knew you looked familiar. You knocked me off a bridge once."

Wanda had no idea what he was talking about. She figured he was confusing her with the bee lady again. Wanda may not remember all the pain that her father caused her, but that didn't stop her from thinking that he was an idiot. "Why am I not surprised that you worked for my father?"

"Because he would sink to just about any low to find people to follow his crazy ideas?"

"At least you're honest."

"I mean there was me, Sabertooth the man-eater, Jason the pansy, Remy the stalker..." The groomsman rubbed his chin and looked up in thought, "You know, things didn't turn out to bad for him. Remy the stalker, I mean." John gestured toward the couple on the dance floor, one in a white dress, the other in a tuxedo. "Maybe I should give this stalking thing a try."

"Not if you like your eye balls in their sockets."

"Who said I would stalk you?"

"Who would you stalk?"

The groomsman thought for a second. "I'm torn between Jim Morrison and Audrey Hepborn."

"They're both dead."

"You're point?"

"What are you going to do? Get a pair of binoculars and sit in a cemetery?"

"It'll get me to Paris." (2)

"I know this is a wild thought, but you could always go to Paris without stalking Jim Morrison."

"What's the fun in that?"

"You are a freak."

"'Freaks flock together.'" (3)

"What are you implying?"

"Come on, be honest. You aren't exactly the poster girl for 'Leave it to Beaver.'"

"You'd be surprised. I have some pretty impressive pearls," she joked.

"Are they choking your overgrown black teddy bear?"

Wanda smiled a little. She was actually having a little fun with this game. "My teddy bear is pink."

"Yeah, pink from your whip," he accused.

"I don't whip defenseless animals." The Witch surprised herself. She was eerily enjoying this guy's company now. Either that or the three glasses of wine she had were finally kicking in.

John apologized mockingly, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were a PETA."

"Yes, Jane Goodall and I are good buddies."

John leaned back from the table with a disappointed look on his face. "Oh, so you like monkeys. That puts me out of the race. Do you want to meet Jason? He looks like a monkey. I could introduce you." He pushed his chair back and started to get up. "Jason!" he called out across the yard.

Wanda launched herself across the table, grabbed John's tie, and pulled him down to her level. "If you bring that creepy grotesque man over here, I'll put your testicles in a vice."

John smiled. "How'd you know I liked that sort of thing?"

Wanda let go of his emerald tie, suddenly feeling dirty. As she settled back in her chair she retorted, "I never said you would still be _attached _to them."

The groomsman gulped. "Oh. So what do you have against Monkey-man?"

She looked off to the side to nothing in particular. "He just gives me the creeps all right. I just have this feeling that something bad is going to happen whenever he is near me. Like he'll dive into my mind and fuck it up royally."

"That is some pretty justified paranoia you got there."

Her eyes narrowed as she turned her head back to look at him, "What do you mean?"

John sidestepped the issue. "Oh, nothing."

"No, you are going to tell me what you mean by that," she demanded.

"You really don't want to know the inner workings of my mind."

She leaned forward with her arms crossed. "Try me."

"You sure? There is no going back."

"Would you honestly enjoy your testicles in a vice? Because I can still make it happen."

The groomsman shook his head, "No, I have a feeling it would be a bit painful, and I'm a bit of a whiner when it comes to pain."

"Then you had better stop stalling and tell me what you meant by that."

"Okay," John paused for a second, looking up. "What was I explaining again?"

The Witch gritted her teeth. "Why my paranoia about Jason is justified."

"Oh right." He laughed nervously. He couldn't tell her the truth for fear of his life. Magneto might be a "good guy" training the New Mutants and working at Xavior's now, but that doesn't mean he doesn't still know the numbers of some good hit men. Since John couldn't tell the truth, he decided to make up an elaborate lie. (4)

"See Jason has this obsessions with penguins. Don't know why, don't care. But one night, back in the day, we were all sitting around drinking. Just drinking, mind you, no drugs of any kind that I was aware of. Now I had a bit to drink and blacked out for the most part. The last thing I remember is staring at this three foot penguin Jason had put in the corner.

"Remy tells me that I stared at that thing for about fifteen minutes and didn't say a thing. That is very unusual. Me not saying anything, especially when I'm pissed. I tend to ramble on and on . . ."

"Like you're doing now?"

"No," he shook his head. "Totally different form of rambling when I'm drunk. More slurred and Petey says I cross my eyes and giggle a lot."

"So you weren't saying anything. . . " Wanda reminded him of the story he was telling.

"Oh yeah. I hadn't said anything for fifteen minutes, and Remy thought I was going to chunder..."

"Chunder?"

"Vomit."

"Oh."

"Remy thought I was going to chunder so he got up to help me to the toilet when I apparently burst out of my seat, leapt across the room, did an army crawl, and tackled the penguin. I was yelling about how the penguin was spying on us as I tried to wrestle the thing. Petey pulled us apart.

"Then I guess I shook hands with the thing and set it on the coffee table in front of me and started talking to it. A few minutes later I announced that the penguin's name was Diego and that we were friends now. Then I went back to talking with Diego.

"A few minutes later I made another announcement. I said that we had to rescue Diego's girlfriend Diegoita, who someone had imprisoned in the kitchen drawer. Then Remy said I took Diego under my arm and pretended I was a Charlie's Angel, complete with the hair flip."

"Can't be an Angel without a hair flip."

"Nope, impossible. So Angels Diego and I stormed the kitchen, and I came back with Diego and a pot holder with a penguin on it. I introduced the pot holder as Diegoita and reunited the happy couple.

"Then I was ordered to go to bed. I tried to take the penguins with me, but Jason and Remy stopped me. So I left Diego and Diegoita with them and went to my room. About ten minutes later I snuck back out, popped just my head around the corner into the room, and shouted, 'Beware the Diego!' giggled, and ran back to my room."

"What does this have to do with Jason again?"

"Uh, I can't remember," John confessed. "Oh, I think he made me do it."

"I have a feeling you don't have to have your mind messed with by a telepath to do that."

"But Diego? Come on, why would I name a penguin Diego?"

"Why would you call a angsty witch Willy?"

"I have a death wish?"

"Yes, but you appear to be one of the luckiest men in the world."

"Why's that?"

"I haven't killed you yet."

"And I still have my testicles!" he announced loudly just when the room hit a moment of silence. People stared, but John didn't seem to notice. "You must really like me then."

"No," she stated firmly. Although for some reason she had to repress a blush. She questioned her answer and wondered if she really did like him. Frustrated from contradicting herself, she decided she needed another drink. Wanda stood up to go back to the bar. "I'm going to get a drink, you want anything?"

"My own private jet and one of those intricate fancy egg things that are completely useless."

"Anything from the bar?" Wanda specified, annoyed.

"You want to met Diego, don't you?"

Wanda just raised an eyebrow and turned.

"Scotch Happy Sour," John ordered quickly.

The bartender scooted back away from the bar when he saw Wanda coming again. He was forming a black eye and had little red turning blue marks all over him. He looked like he was coming down with some disease.

Wanda placed their orders, but the bartender didn't move. "I...uh.. don't have any Vermouth." He ducked a little and put his arms up.

Wanda just stood there staring at him, waiting for more of an explanation. "For the Scotch Happy..."

"Then just make some Scotch on the rocks or something," Wanda impatiently told the frightened bartender. He quickly went to work, spilling some of the precise liquor while doing so. Wanda rolled her eyes and grabbed her drinks when they were ready.

The bartender breathed a sigh of relief when she turned to leave. Wanda heard it and smirked. She put both the drinks in one hand and the other hand behind her back. Without looking the Scarlet Witch hexed the coasters on the bar, which flew up like a deck of cards and smacked the bartender repeatedly in the face.

Wanda was still grinning when returned to the table.

"What are you all smilely about?"

"The bartender is afraid of me. Oh, and he didn't have any Vermouth." She set the drink in front of him.

John frowned and looked down at his glass. "So how unhappy is it?"

"I think it's just Scotch on the rocks, I don't know. The bartender was stuttering in fear. I couldn't understand him." Wanda smiled again.

John looked up at the girl. "I take it you enjoy torturing the general public."

"I love all the different expressions of fear. I've started to number them. I'm up to 108."

"I gather you aren't very well liked."

She smiled triumphantly. "'And somehow the feeling pleases me. (5)'"

John laughed and nodded. "You're my kinda girl."

Wanda's face grew sour. "I'm my own."

"I didn't mean that I owned you, just that I like you. And you're the kinda girl I could more than like."

Wanda raised an eyebrow. "Are you trying to flirt with me?"

"If I was flirting with you, you'd know, luv."

Wanda sat there scrutinizing him, her brow furrowed. But she didn't know. No men ever flirted with her. At least not for this long. She'd usually say something to get them to run away with their tail between their legs. Or, like with the bartender, figure he was being put up to it by one of her lowlife house mates.

"See if I was flirting, I'd smile like this." John put on his cheesiest grin. "Wiggle my eyebrows, like this." And he did so. "Then I'd lean over whisper something dirty and do my hair flip to finish the job." John leaned over then sat straight up, flipped his nonexistent shoulder length hair with his hand, shook his head playfully and laughed.

Wanda didn't say anything for a second. "So that is how Sheila flirts?"

"Oh yeah, I'm John now aren't I?" He pretended to be embarrassed.

"No, you're a mental case."

"It takes one to know one."

Wanda wondered with his childish antics. "How old are you again?"

"Forty-two," he lied. "Yes, I know. I look great for my age. It's all about eating the baby fetuses. They really keep your skin firm and glowy. Much better than botox."

Wanda replied after much consideration, "I don't know whether I should be laughing at you or frightened that I gave you my real name."

"You! FRIGHTENED!" John exclaimed. "By little ole me?"

"I know," she shook her head in mock shame. "It is quite a role reversal for me."

"Cheers to new things," John held up his glass that he had already drunk half of.

"What the hell?" Wanda clinked her glass with his. They drank.

"Well, well, well. What is goin' on here?" A man known for his smirk approached the table with his new bride by his side.

The southern belle smiled. "Looks ta meh like something might be brewing here."

"Oui, trouble," the groom answered.

Wanda just glared at them and sulked further down in her chair.

"Remy," the bride turned to her escort, "If they name the first baby Trouble, what will they call all the little ones ta follow?"

Wanda looked up at the girl in the white dress. "Rogue, it's your day so I will not hex you into a mud puddle. Consider it my wedding present."

"Aww, and ah hopin' fo' a tea set," Rogue said.

Remy slid down into an empty chair next to St. John and put his arm around him, "I'm glad to see dat you've taken de advice I gave you at de Ba. . . "

John shoved Remy away from him and almost knocked him off the chair. "REMY! Have you forgotten? What are the three rules of bachelor parties? Rule number one. . ? (6)"

Remy rolled his eyes. "Don' talk 'bout de bachelor party."

"And rule number two. . . ?"

"Don' talk 'bout de bachelor party."

"And rule number three. . . ?"

Remy sighed and rolled his eyes again. The Cajun recited the rule as John mouthed along. "If you have a big mouth, like John," Remy mumbled before continuing, "get drunk enough. . ."

"Inebriated," John corrected.

"...get inebriated enough early on so you don't remember anythin' to divulge later."

John patted him on the shoulder. "Very good, Remy. You deserve a treat."

"I'm not your dog," Remy told him coldly.

"No, ya're mine," Rogue stated. She laughed along with Wanda at Remy's expression.

John decided to bring the new couple up to date on his conversation. "I was just telling Wanda about how I keep looking so young and jubilant."

Remy groaned and shook his head. "Not de baby fetuses again? You really don' know how to talk to a fille, do you? I can' believe you mentioned de baby fetuses. Dat's not as funny as you d'ink it is. It's not funny at all." Remy leaned over so his face was next to Wanda's belly. "Don' worry, little one," he said to her stomach. "You're daddy won' eat you."

Remy's chair folded up with him still sitting in it. Wanda started to fling the chair that encased Remy into the wedding cake.

"No! Not mah cake!" Rogue pleaded.

Wanda sighed and dropped him in front of the cake table.

Remy untangled himself from the chair and shouted to his bride, "Not my cake?"

"Ya'll heal, mah cake won't." Rogue put a gloved hand over his mouth and kissed it to dispel some of her insult.

Remy turned to the Witch. "And I d'ought Rogue and I got a no hexin' weddin' present."

"No, Rogue got the no hexing present. I got you a sea tet," she said accidentally. "Sea set. A. Tea. Set," she finally managed.

"Someone hit de bar hard," the Cajun teased.

Wanda nodded to the pyromaniac across the table. "Look at my company."

"'Hey! I resemble that remark!'" John exclaimed and knocked the ashes from his imaginary cigar (7).

Remy patted his friend on the back. "You need to cut down on de Marx Brothers, mon ami." Remy's hand now gripped the back of John's jacket and nodded for Rogue to do the same to Wanda. "And cut in." The bride and groom shoved the pyromaniac and the witch toward the dance floor so they would collide with one another. And collide they did.

John groaned and Wanda rubbed her cheekbone. "That's smarts," John remarked. He removed his hand from his forehead and checked for blood: None. "You okay?" he looked at the Witch as she moved her jaw around.

"Yeah," she said. Wanda took in her new surroundings, namely John's arms around her waist helping her keep her balance. "What are you doing?"

The Aussie shrugged. "I figured as long as we're out here, we could cut a rug."

She raised an eyebrow. "'Cut a rug?' Now I do believe you are forty-two."

"Will you grant this old geezer a dance?"

Her reply was definitive: "I don't dance."

"'You don't dance?' What do ya mean 'you don't dance?' Dancing's fun!" He didn't move his arms from her waist.

"I've already reached my quota of fun for the night. Anymore fun and the earth will open up and consume me."

"I think you can squeeze in one more dance, Rumplestiltskin."

"No."

"Awww, come on. Live a little. You're starting to get boring."

Wanda was insulted. "Boring!"

"Yes, boring," he dangerously confirmed. "You _were _the most interesting person in the room, but now you're just a big party pooper."

Wanda took that comment as a challenge, "I'll show you a party pooper." She saw Jean Grey walking by and hexed her skirt to pull a Marilyn Monroe. The redhead frantically tried to calm down her dress that was flying upward without the help of any wind she could feel.

John nodded. "Better. Better, but you're still not dancing."

"Why do I have to dance?"

"Because it's a good song, and we're already here."

She raised an eyebrow. "Good song?" Then Wanda sighed. "If I dance this one song with you, will you shut up?"

"Sure!" John smiled. Wanda knew there was some secret hiding behind his smile, but didn't ask. She put her hands loosely on his shoulders. They swayed gently to the music, Wanda's hands unconsciously moving down toward his upper arms, her body slowly moving closer to the Aussie.

Wanda rested her head on John's shoulder. _He smells good. Why can't any of the boys at the Brotherhood house smell like this? I might not retch every time I walk in that place if they all smelled like this. _She felt the alcohol move through her system, warming her. She knew her cheeks were flushed and hoped no one thought it was because she was dancing with the random groomsman.

She looked up from his shoulder at his face. Why was she attracted to this man? She had to admit he was attractive in an unconventional sort of way. He also wasn't phased by her brush-offs and that both annoyed and intrigued her. He had made her smile, too. That was a rare occurrence, and she had done it several times since meeting him. And let's not forget the accent, one of Wanda's weaknesses. She was only disappointed in the fact that she had to listen to him talk in order to hear it.

Then she shuddered, remembering her first kiss. He had an accent too. He was supposed to be a handsome Swedish ski instructor named Eric, but he was really Todd Tolanski who tasted like week old chinese mixed with stinky fish and cheese.

John looked down at her when he felt her shudder. "You cold?"

Wanda shook her head and looked in to his eyes. They drew her into their depths. She closed her own eyes so she didn't have to stare into his anymore.

"If you need it, you can wear my jacket. You can't have my tie though." He let go of her waist with one hand and straightened it. Wanda instantly felt a cool breeze hit her where his hand was and wished he would put it back.

"I thought you said you would shut up if I danced with choo...you," she slurred with her eyes still closed. She was almost afraid to open them. Afraid he would be staring at her again and this time she wouldn't look away in time. Her face was beginning to tingle. She knew it was the wine again, but she couldn't help bringing her hand from his shoulder and touching her red lips. After brief contact she slid her hand to his chest, and John brought her in a little closer to him.

He smirked. "You never said how long."

Wanda, for once, didn't argue with him. She was feeling warm and cozy, which her mind attributed it all to the wonderful booze. She opened her eyes, but didn't look at John's face. Instead she stared down at his chest. She moved her hand and started fingering his tie. "Are you sure I can't have your tie?"  
_  
_"I don't think it would keep you very warm."

She fingered the tie between her thumb and forefinger. "But I want it. It's not red, but it's so soft." She looked up at his face for a second before realizing her mistake and looked back down at the tie.

"Maybe, if you're real good," he said without any hidden meaning.

The girl in his arms pouted. "I don't like being good." She didn't even notice that the song had changed and her obligation to dance was over. She took her head off his shoulder and smiled wickedly. "How about I just take it without asking?" Her hand went up to his neck. In three seconds she had loosened the knot and whipped the tie from the collar of John's shirt.

"Hey now!" John exclaimed, but did nothing to stop her. Wanda put the tie around her own neck and tried to tie it properly. Her brow became more furrowed at each attempt to secure the long piece of emerald green fabric.

John reluctantly let go of her waist and took the ends of the tie from her. "Here, let me." Their hands brushed briefly causing a shiver down his spine. The Aussie hunched over to tie the knot, but couldn't help himself from taking a fleeting glance a little further down. He was a man after all.

Wanda let her hands fall to her sides as he fumbled with the slippery fabric. He finally achieved the knot and tightened it so it lay more snugly around her neck. She felt his warm hands tickle her chest as they guided the tie upward.

She smiled seductively as she took a step back. "How do I look?"

John gaped but said, "Like a moldy Christmas tree ornament."

Wanda frowned, and her eyes became slits. "That is insulting on ssooo many levels." She raised her glowing hand and tried to hex her dance partner.

The man from Oz dove to the ground causing the hex bolt to hit the unsuspecting table behind him. "Just kidding!" John yelled as he dodged and round tables behind him elevated and spun. He was lucky Wanda's aim wasn't the best that night, because his ability to dodge was lessened by his own alcohol content. "You look fabulous, darling! Absolutely fabulous! Really, you need to learn how to take a joke."

Wanda knew the truth of his statement and grew a little embarrassed. But she would still have the last word. "And you need to learn not to insult a woman who can turn you inside out with a wave of her hand!"

Actually, Kurt ended up having the last word as the other groomsman came bounding across the spinning tables. He wrapped one arm around Wanda's shoulders and the other around John, pulling them both together, "You two are the best! That was the funnest game ever! I love you!" He drunkenly pointed to Wanda. "And you!" Now he pointed to John. "You throw one mean Bachelor party too! All the whaoo and the zippy!" Kurt let go of the couple and began dancing and spinning around. Wanda and John turned to watch the fuzzy elf. He skipped off a few seconds later after being distracted by the shinny dress of his blue skinned date. "Kymri! You are so shiny! Shiny, shiny, shiny!"

A half a minute later, John broke the silence between himself and Wanda, "I think we can put Kurt in the amorous drunk category."

Wanda agreed, then wondered, "What category do I sit in? Fit it?"

"I'd have to say that there isn't one category that could contain you."

Wanda smiled. "Now I know you're flirting."

"Do you now?" He smiled back. "Because that one sentence could have a multiple of hidden meanings. I could go on for ages overanalyzing it -"

"Please don't," she interrupted. "I really don't want to hear you overanalyzing your own twisted thoughts any more tonight. I've had my fill."

"Oh, but it brings us to such interesting places! Last time I started with the Gieco Gecko and was talking about origami only fifteen minutes later and then five minutes later I was onto..."

"And I thought Remy loved to hear the sound of his own voice."

"I wouldn't have to talk so much if you'd chime in once in awhile."

"I don't chime."

"How about a gleeful anecdote?"

"'There is nothing resembling glee that I know of in any way connected to myself.'" (8)

"Now we're back to party pooper Wanda." There was a moment of silence between them. Because a moment of silence is about all you can have talking with John. "Wanna dance some more?"

Wanda smiled and walked with a new determination in her step. "No. I want another drink."

John escorted her to the bar. "You mean a glass of water."

Wanda laughed at the notion. "Are you telling me I've had enough?"

"If you're having another drink, then you better find someone to hold you hair back."

"How about you?" she poked the Aussie in the chest.

"I wouldn't hold my mother's hair back, I'm certainly not going to hold yours."

"Why? You already know what I had for dinner."

"Let's just say when I see someone tossing their cookies, I tend to join them."

"So it would be a bonding experience."

John's buzzed mind went into overdrive. "Oh, please, oh, please, can I overanalyze that comment. The possibilities are endless! Endless and dirty!"

"In a word, no. There were no hidden meanings in that statement," she stated. She caught a brief glimse of his eyes then wondered if it was true.

He pouted. "Fine. But if you're not getting a glass of water, I'm going to go flirt with that brown haired fire ball over there," he threatened.

"Amara? The princess? I doubt you could stand her for ten sinutes...minutes," Wanda hypothesized.

"Is that a challenge?"

Wanda smirked and nodded in confirmation.

John tried to straighten his tie, forgetting that Wanda was still wearing it. Instead he straightened his collar and pulled down the cuffs of his jacket. Finally he had done enough prep and waltzed over to the girl in question.

Wanda watched from the bar. John stopped when he got to the group and introduced himself. He asked Amara a question and laughed lightheartedly, but she just stood there and cocked her head to the side. John asked her a few more questions and finally hit on something Amara enjoyed talking about. Wanda witnessed a glazed look coming over John's eyes as he pretended to listen to her every word. The girl went on and John started taping his foot on the ground. Then he shifted his weight and gave her a short answer to a question she asked, but didn't really care about his response. He tried to casually look at his watch, but Amara caught sight of it and grabbed his wrist. She appeared to be examining the piece of jewelry and asking questions about it. John just shrugged whenever she looked up at him. Wanda saw the words Koolaid Man mouthed by the Aussie right before Amara dropped his arm like a dead fish. John took that opportunity to make his escape and ran back to Wanda.

John looked over his shoulder at the group he left, just to make sure no one followed him. "That had to have been ten minutes right?"

Wanda smiled as she broke it to him. "Four minutes and fifty-six seconds."

"Who knew an eternity was four minutes and fifty-six seconds long? I would have guessed ten minutes and thirteen seconds (9)."

The Witch made her point. "I won."

"That you did." John sighed and made his order.

Wanda looked at her companion and considered being spiteful, but thought better of it. "Water," she told the trembling bartender.

John stared at her with a look of genuine surprise on his face. "Water? Now I know you like me!"

"Shut up," Wanda barked as she grabbed her glass. "I just don't want a hangover tomorrow."

No amount of scrubbing could wipe the smile off the Aussie's face.

John decided to be playful and grab her free hand to try and spin her around. Wanda was totally surprised and tripped into John's nose.

They both groaned. John set his drink down on a nearby table and covered his nose with his hands. "We have got to stop meeting like this."

Wanda rubbed her forehead. "You fatally injured?"

"No, don't think so," he mumbled through his hands.

"Let me see." Wanda pulled down his hands to make sure his nose wasn't bleeding. She spoke softly given their proximity. "No, you're fine, you wimp. No blood or anything."

After examining his nose, a glance to the Aussie's eyes was the end of her. She had been trying to avoid that glaze, knowing in her current state, that she wouldn't be able to stop herself. That she wouldn't want to stop herself. Her tingling face wished for contact.

Wanda let her fingers softly fall from his nose to linger on his lips. Her sapphire eyes followed shortly after and her own lips tingled. She leaned in even closer. She silently wished she had left the tie on John as she had to make due with grabbing some loose fabric of his dress shirt and pulling him toward her.

John was surprised, but he's a guy that goes with the flow. He closed his eyes and allowed his hands to find the small of her back. He let his fingers dance and tickle her back that was exposed between her skirt and her corset. Wanda move her hands from his chest up his shoulders to the back of his neck. She made the hair on the back of his neck stand up when the cold metal of her rings brushed up against it.

When they broke off for a breath, John whispered, "Or we could meet like this every time."

Wanda smiled seductively and tried to pull him in by the back of the neck for another kiss. At the second they could again feel the warmth of each other's lips, a high-pitched, girlie scream filled their ears followed by earth shattering laughter. The couple turned their heads to the table the Brotherhood was currently occupying. Wanda's twin brother Pietro Maximoff was standing and staring at them, paler than a ghost. The rest of the table, aside from the passed out Todd Tolanski, just pointed at Pietro and continued laughing hysterically.

Her brother ran up to John and Wanda and pushed them apart. With John's deteriorating sense of balance, he fell to the ground from the wimpy shove.

Pietro turned to Wanda and started babbling incoherently, "What-the-hell-are-you-doing? That-was-the-most-disgusting-thing-I-have-ever-seen.You're-lucky-father's-old-and-already-went-to-bed! He-probably-would-have-had-an-aneurysm! I-can't-believe-you-would-do-something-like-that! Did-he-drug-you? Are-you-drugged? I'll-kick-his-ass. Ew,ick,I-feel-dirty. I-don't-think-there-is-enough-soap-in-the-world-to-clean-me-now. If-my-eyes-weren't-so-gorgeous-I'd-gorge-them-out!"

Wanda had never been more annoyed at her brother than at that moment. She lifted her hand and flung Pietro into the side of the Mansion, knocking him out.

John picked himself off the ground and applauded with the other nearby guests. "Bravo!"

"I was aiming for the bartender," Wanda confessed.

"Don't you have better things to do than torture the bartender?"

Wanda turned her head and smiled evilly at the Aussie. "I do, don't I?" The Witch sauntered back to John. He received her with open arms. Their faces came ever so close for that second kiss when they were interrupted by the hooting and hollering of practically the entire reception.

"Perhaps we should find some place with less of an audience," John suggested.

Wanda offered up another solution. "Or I could just hex them all into the bartender. I'm bound to hit him with one of them."

"You don't think that's overkill?"

"Nope." She smiled and ran a finger along his chest.

"But then there's still Rogue. You promised not to hex her."

"She might enjoy watching."

John, for a second, didn't mind that thought. Then he saw himself being beaten to a bloody pulp by Remy afterwards. "I still like my suggestion."

"Performance anxiety?"

"More like the desire not to be killed by Remy," he said as he grabbed her hand. He turned and started leading her away from the party.

"Where are we going?" Wanda asked. The continued hooting and hollering of the reception finally faded out.

John shrugged and stopped din the temporary parking lot. "Where do you want to go?"

"I don't think either of us are in a condition to drive anywhere."

John knew she was right, but still looked around the parking lot. His eyes fell upon a familiar red and white striped convertible. It's top was, of course, down. John smirked and looked to the Witch. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"That's the ugliest sports car I've ever seen?"

"No, but close. That's Scott Summers car."

"It hasn't seen a lot of action, then."

"Want to christen it?" John slid his thumb back and forth across her hand.

Wanda looked at the car, then at John. She was wearing her dirty, sexy smile again. Suddenly her grip on his hand tightened, and she threw John into the side of the convertible. John would have fallen to the ground if the car wasn't there to catch him. Specifically, the side mirror that broke off in his hand. John tried to miraculously reattach it without any glue or tools, then gave up and dropped it. The side mirror clung to the car by a few unknown wires.

The damage to the car was quickly forgotten as the women in the red dress swaggered toward the Man of Honor (A/N: Snicker, snicker). Her black and red hair grabbed a strange blue glow from the moon that almost made her sparkle. John licked his lips anxiously.

Wanda stood before him, putting her hand to his chest and pushing it so he was forced to lean backward into the car. John tried to lean forward to kiss her, but Wanda wasn't done teasing him, yet.

After his second attempt and push back, John took his right hand off the car where it was bracing him and allowed it to trace a line up the side of the Witch's corset, then around the low cut collar of her black shirt. When it reached his tie he flipped up the end playfully, hitting her nose. Wanda leaned back and scowled. He laughed and did it again. Wanda grabbed his hand with her nearest one, the one holding him back. John took his advantage and snuck in a kiss. It was quick, but it left sparks on Wanda's crimson lips. Wanda decided she didn't want to tease him anymore and quickly stole a kiss of her own.

John was able to stand up straighter without Wanda pushing him down. He put his warm hands on either side of Wanda's blushing face. His tongue slipped between her lips and her teeth and he tagged her tongue before retreating into his own mouth. She decided it was her turn to tag him back and did the same to him.

Wanda felt her body warm as his hands left her face and traced the collar of her shirt once again. His mouth left her own, and John began to lightly kiss her jawbone, heading down toward her neck. Wanda leaned her head back, flinging her hair back so he wouldn't choke on a mouthful of it. She felt his hands move again from her chest down her sides to her waist, linger there for a moment, before continuing down to her buttocks. In response, Wanda lifted up her leg, so it was bent and putting preesure on John's side. John's hand moved with determination from Wanda's behind down and round her bare leg to her knee. He held her knee there with his hand underneath the bend. He moved his thumb across the front of her kneecap, tickling her. Her body quivered a little as she felt the tickling sensation travel up her leg to her spine. She gasped a little and moved her hands from massaging his chest to his chin. She lifted up his head from where it was decorating her neck and upper chest with kisses.

Their eyes met again that night with a deep burning passion behind them. Wanda took a deep breath, closed her eyes and dove back into the Aussie's mouth. John's hands returned to Wanda's behind and this time lifted her up and turned her around so she was sitting on the door of the convertible. John's hand reached down to find the leg still hidden underneath Wanda's skirt. Once he found her ankle, John let his hand slowly run up her calf to her knee then continued upward throwing the skirt up around her waist. Wanda curled her back forward and started kissing John's own neck. These were not gentle kisses, but quickening forceful ones. She moved up his neck to behind his ear as he likewise moved down her chest.

Wanda started to roll backward into the car, so John moved his hands to her back to guide her in a little slower. The stick shift of the sports cart hit her head. She looked up at it with and annoyed look on her face and hexed it off. She scooted back in the car to the driver's seat, her skirt falling between her legs although they themselves remained uncovered.

John put his left hand on the door and hoped into the car after her. He moved to his hands and knees, casting a shadow over her. He touched his forehead to hers and they stared into each others eyes for a minute. Wanda found her hands up playing with the waistband on John's dress pants, running between his pants and his body from the sides to the front, lingering for a second before going back to his sides. John smiled and gave her a peck on the lips. Followed closely by another peck. Then Wanda couldn't stand having his lips away from hers another minute. She removed one of her hands from his waist to the back of his neck to force their mouths to join.

John started to relax down on top of her, but Wanda had other ideas. She hooked her knee around his leg and flipped him over. John was stunned and a little dizzy as the world turned over.

"Did you really think I'd let you be on top?"

John was about to say something funny and clever as he tried to maneuver himself into a more comfortable position underneath the scarlet goddess, but ended up hitting the car horn.

DO-do-do-do-do, do-do. DO-do-do-do-do, do-do, the convertible played some old tune (10).

Wanda and John turned to stare at the steering wheel.

"Scott's a dork."

"Yes. Yes, he is."

John ran his hand up and down the back of Wanda's thigh. She smiled and bent down to kiss him. He still wasn't in a very conformable position, so he reached up with his left hand and tried to use the steering wheel to pull himself up a little. But he missed having Wanda momentarily distract him.

DO-do-do-do-do, do-do. DO-do-do-do-do, do-do, the convertible sang again.

"Would you stop hitting that thing? It isn't a red button that says 'don't push.'"

"You don't want any mood music?"

Wanda growled and shoved her tongue in his mouth so she didn't have to hear him speak anymore.

Wanda dove back into John's neck as he strained to see the ties of her corset. Then a dark shadow fell upon the couple.

"Would ya mind getting out of my light?" John asked without looking up.

A growl and the grinding of teeth came from the shadow throwers. "Get. Out. Of. My. Car."

"In a minute, kinda busy here." John continued to concentrate on the corset.

"A minute!" Wanda's head shot up to look at John's face.

"A figure of speech only, luv," John clarified. Wanda went back to trying to unbutton John's dress shirt with her teeth. It was harder than she imagined.

"You need to leave my car. Now."

John continued to ignore the owner of the car and his mostly unconscious wife he was holding up. "How the hell did you get this on, sheila?" John grew frustrated with Wanda's corset.

"I'm not going to ask you again," the owner of the convertible told him. Wanda rolled over onto her side to glare at the X-Men team leader.

"What are you going to do? It's not like you're going to blast me out of the car, you'd wreck it. So you should just stand in line and wait your turn." John went back to figuring out Wanda's corset as she caressed his neck and chest with kisses.

With his bluff caught, Scott moved to plan B. "Jean," he tried to jolt the girl awake. "Jean, can you wake up for a second?"

"Hum, what? Are we home already?"

"No, we're still in the parking lot. Do you think you could lift a couple people out of my car with your powers?"

"I can do _anything_, Scott. Remember?" The redhead stood up straighter, but still leaned on her companion. She put her free hand to her temple and concentrated on those in the car.

"JOHN!" A call from across the parking lot disrupted Jean's concentration. The rear view mirror flew out of the car with the force of her mind. Exhausted, Jean closed her eyes and went limp in Scott's arms.

-Bamf- "JOHN!" The call came again. This time closer and followed by stumbling and swearing in German. The teleporter spotted Scott and Jean and bamfed in their general direction. He reappeared a foot above the hood of the car, landed hard and rolled off the driver's side.

Kurt groaned. "Ach. Scott, have you seen John at all?"

Scott gritted his teeth in response. "Yes." He pointed to the front seat of the convertible.

The designated driver saw a three fingered hand reach up the side of his car and use it to help himself up. Kurt squinted and asked again before following Scott's pointing finger.

"JOHN!" the German exclaimed.

"Little busy here elf." John thought he might have finally figured out the puzzle of the corset. "Take a number behind the tight-ass."

"But, but, Remy's gonna throw the garter soon! And the bouquet! Wanda, don't you want to catch the bouquet?"

"No," she said and continued what she was doing.

"Too bad, you're coming." Kurt grabbed both of their arms and teleported back to the party. The three reappeared twenty feet above the swimming pool.

Wanda ripped her arm from the blue elf's grasp. John's arm also slipped out of the groomsman's grasp. Wanda used her powers to position a floaty underneath her, while Kurt tried desperately to get a hold of the pyromaniac once again. A few feet before reaching the surface, he gave up and bamfed to the pool's edge. John hit the cold water, hard.

His wet orange mop popped above the surface in less than ten seconds. It moved slowly to the edge of the pool where Kurt was recuperating. John pulled himself and his wet tuxedo out of the pool. He was, of course, soaked with his dress shirt and vest flying wide open. He turned and sat next to Kurt, took off his dress shoes and dumped water back into the pool.

"Kurt," he finally said. "You should never drink and 'port." John took off his other shoe and emptied it. "Watch your back." John looked around for something to start a fire with since he and his equipment was soaked.

Wanda floated to the pool's edge and crawled back to solid ground. She tried to smooth down her hair and clothes as she approached John and Kurt. The Witch still had some adrenaline running through her system and decided to use it instead of her powers. She picked up the skinny blue mutant by the back of his jacket and tossed him into the pool.

"Wanda!" John exclaimed. "I was suppose to light his tuxedo on fire, then you could toss him in the pool."

"You were too slow." She then hexed the foam noodles lying on the ground to beat Kurt every time he surfaced. Kurt tried to port, but, in his drunken state, only managed to move to another section of the pool.

"Leave my date alone!" the blue-skinned warrior shouted as she approached Wanda.

"You don't want to pick a fight with me," Wanda warned Kymri.

"Bouquet toss, all single ladies come hither!" the announcement was made.

The competitive nature of Kymri surfaced. "You're right, I've got to go catch the bouquet!" The blue girl turned and joined the mob heading to the dance floor.

"Kymri!" Kurt shouted before being bombarded again by foam pool toys.

Meanwhile John was attempting to button up his wet shirt. He was a little perplexed. "Wanda, what happened to my buttons?"

"I bit them off."

"Why?"

"Impatience."

"This was a rental."

"Point?"

John let go of his shirt and watched Kurt almost drown for a bit. "Think he's learned his lesson yet?"

As she dropped the foam pool toys she said, "You should still torch something of his. But you are lucky he dropped you in the cold pool instead of right in the middle of the dance floor. The cold water toned down the excitement for you."

"Huh? Toned down?" Then John understood and readjusted his pants. "Oh yeah. But I'm not going to buy him any cookies for it. Hey, what about you? Shouldn't you take a dip too?"

"No, I don't have to. I have perfect control over my emotions," she declared, looking straight out over the pool.

"Really?" His hand reached up and brushed against one of her sweet spots he noticed earlier. Wanda bit her lip and trembled reflexively.

Once she regained her composure, she glared down at the grinning firebug. "I hate you." The Scarlet Witch kicked him into the pool and stomped off to hide from the scouts Rogue sent out to capture any non-participating single girls.

In the pool, John treaded water until Kurt swam over to him.

John squinted his eyes at the German and tried to threaten him. "You ruined a great night. You will pay."

"How about I buy you a shot?" the elf offered.

"The bar is free."

"Details, details." Kurt grabbed John's arm and bamfed them away. They ended up on the roof.

John screamed as he slid down the incline. "What did I tell you about drinking and bamfing!"

"Better than a long neck on a hot day?" Kurt guessed.

"No!" John reached the rain gutters and held on for dear life.

Kurt started to crawl toward the Aussie. "Don't worry, I got you."

John looked in Kurt's eyes and knew he was planning on teleporting him again. He craned his head and looked at the ground far below him, then back at Kurt. "I'll take my chances, thank you." And the crazy pyromaniac let go.

Luck was on his side that day for the man known as Fred Dukes or the Blob broke his fall.

John rolled off the big boy. "Thanks mate!"

He sat up and looked down at his flattened plate. "I would like a warning next time. I crushed the cake Rogue gave me."

"Sorry. Wanna grab a shot with Kurt and me?"

Fred shook his head. "There's really no point. I'm like Andre the Giant, drink all I want and can still drive everyone home."

"Suit yourself." John glanced over and saw that Kurt had managed to make it to the bartender. The fuzzy X-Men had a few sticks in his hair that weren't there before, but he was otherwise intact.

"I'm thinking jagar bomb, how 'bout you?" John asked the blue boy. From the bachelor party John learned that the iron-stomached elf could hold his liquor.

"Sure."

The bartender poured them their shots and Red Bull. Plop, clink, they dropped the shots in and chugged the drink. They decided on another and the bartender ventured to ask a question to the wet groomsman with the orange hair. "How in the world do you get a girl like that?"

"Who? Wanda?" He paused for confirmation. "Easy, mate. A woman like that can smell fear. So you have to be fearless. Just plunge right in and laugh at her threats, make them a joke. But don't forget to keep her interest, by saying random things to confuse and disorient her. And you must be careful not to tread too far into the annoying territory."

The bartender laughed a little. "I didn't realize you were Australian. You sound just like the Crocodile Hunter when you say that! Say Crikey!"

John's smile faded and his face grew cold. With all the Aussie's might, his fist made contact with the bartender's grinning face. "Stupid American."

While the bartender was keeled over holding his face in pain, John lifted himself over the bar, grabbed the bottle of jagermeister and a six pack of red bull. John tipped the beverages toward Kurt and started to walk to a table near the dance floor where all the single girls were gathering. "Shall we?"

Wanda was the last to join them. She was putting up quite a fight, but after Danielle Moonstar frightened her from the stronghold she set up in the carriage house and Amara encased her hands in rock, she was as good as captured.

"Ya promise ta stay fo' the toss?" Rogue approached her apprehended friend.

"Only if Moonie will take this horrible image out of my head, permanently," she wagered.

The bride looked to the New Mutant. "Okay." Dani's released her hold on Wanda. Kitty Pryde phased Wanda's hands through the rock. The girls decided to surround Wanda to make it extra hard for her to leave. The Witch crossed her arms and plotted revenge.

"What did ya make her see?" Rogue whispered to Dani before heading to the front of the group.

"Just Blob. Naked. And hex-proof."

Rogue went up to the front of the group of screaming women and Wanda. Rogue turned her back and threw the bouquet in the air. The girls grew silent as they anticipated where the flowers would fall. The hit Wanda in the face and fell to the ground. Tabby and Kymri were the first ones to dive for it. Kitty phased through Wanda and joined in the scrape. Kitty, with her powers, managed to secure the bouquet first, but the look on Tabby's and Kymri's faces made Wanda suspect that it wouldn't be for long.

The Scarlet Witch walked past Kurt and John's table. She glared at the Aussie while he smiled at her. She turned away and hexed the legs on the boy's chair. He fell to the ground and groaned.

Kurt lazily smiled and pointed at St. John before helping him up. "She's still mad at you. Come on, here's the fun game." The fuzzy elf led the way to dance floor where Rogue sat in a chair with Remy next to her.

It was a pretty ordinary garter toss: Striper music played, the groom stuck his head under the bride's dress, the bride kicked the groom, the groom threw cake at the bride, the bride chased the groom, the groom was beaten with the flower girl's basket, and the groom was able to remove the garter without the bride knowing it.

Remy preceded to do a little dance with the garter. "Just throw it already, swamp rat!" Rogue yelled. The single men in the crowd shouted in agreement.

Remy closed his eyes and shot the elastic garter into the bachelors. Despite the hordes of Jamie Madroxs jumping around, Kurt managed to secure the prize.

Kurt screamed and jumped up and down. He grabbed the nearest Jamie and kissed him. "I vould like to thank all the little people - KYMRI!" Kurt ran over to his sulking date. "Lookie! I won!"

The blue warrior woman looked up at her date and smiled. "That's great!" She eyed the garter. "Yonk!" She snatched the garter from his hand and ran off, proud to have gotten her hands on a prize.

Kurt stood agape. "She, she, she took my garter," he informed the approaching John.

The other groomsman put his arm around the X-Men. "It's for the best, mate. Remember where it was: Your sister's leg. Now that's just wrong. How 'bout another shot?" The disheartened elf nodded eagerly and followed the Aussie to their table.

After tossing their glasses down on the table, there was a commotion from the buffet area.

"Come back, snookums!"

As she ran, Wanda threw some hex bolts at the hopping mutant, but didn't hit him once. Although a stray hex bolt did manage to set off some sprinklers that caused Todd to slip on the wet grass.

Wanda came upon Kurt and John's table, skidded to a stop, and ducked out of view. The boys leaned back and watched the woman hide under the table. "Don't look at me, you morons! He'll figure out where I am!"

Meanwhile Todd recovered from his spill and scanned the crowd. "Cuddle bumps, where did you go?"

"What's in it for us?" John ventured to ask.

"Don't test me."

"Why not?"

"Because now that the cake is cut, I can throw you in it."

John shrugged. "I already lost my deposit on the tux. Hey, To-"

Even at the close range, Wanda was unable to hit the Australian. But luckily, her wayward hex bolt did hit a hopping Toad, sending him much higher in the air than he anticipated. Once he was out of sight, the party-goers went back to their partying, a few placing bets on when and where Toad would be landing.

Wanda let out a sigh of relief and pulled up a chair to the table. With the recent Toad fiasco, she had forgotten that she was supposed to be angry at the groomsmen. "Give me one of those." She snatched a red bull and poured herself a shot. After the burning sensation left her throat, she started cursing the amphibious mutant. "Why can't that little scab leave me alone! You'd think hexing him into electrical sockets and moving cars would discourage him, but no! He'd probably only give up hope if I was married and pregnant with twins!" (11)

"Okay, I'm up for it," John announced.

Wanda turned her head and gave the Aussie a strange look. "Up for what?"

"I'll marry you."

"Uh, no."

"But you asked. You can't take back your offer now."

"I never asked!"

"I thought you wanted Toad to stop bothering you. And the only way to do that is to be married and pregnant. Now I love little rugrats, but if you wouldn't mind putting that on hold a few years, I'd appreciate it. I'm still waiting for my writing career to take off. Writing for a satirical newspaper is fun and all, but it doesn't pay the bills." John turned from Wanda to Kurt. "Kurt, you're studying to be a priest, right?"

Wanda's head was spinning with John's babbling. Or maybe it was that last shot. "I'm mot marrying you!" she shouted. John ignored her, still waiting for Kurt's answer.

The fuzzy dude looked apprehensively at Wanda before answering John's question. "No, I'm a theology major."

"Same difference. Marry us."

Wanda pushed her chair back and stood up. "What! Get it through your head, Pyro! I wouldn't marry you for all the tea in China!"

John looked up at her and grinned idiotically. "You like tea? We'll have a tea party in Boston for the honeymoon."

"You're insane!"

"And you have a love-sick amphibian on your tail. I think I can smell him returning from orbit."

Wanda looked up and scanned the sky urgently. She looked from the sky to St. John and back again. Wanda was just drunk enough to fall for John's "logic." She turned to the theology major at the table. "Fine, do it, but make it quick." Wanda sat back down. Feeling a little tired and woozy, she leaned her head on John's shoulder, waiting for the Red Bull to take affect.

"And what will I get? I want to get married too. It sounds like fun!" Kurt stood up haphazardly on his chair, scanning the crowd. "Kymri! Kymri!"

Kurt's date in the shiny dress bounded over after her latest attempt to steal the bouquet from Kitty. She had the garter secured around her head, holding a cucumber over her eye. She brandished a plastic spoon at Kurt. "Arrrg! Avast ye! I'm a pirate! Shiver in your timbers!"

Kurt tried to get down on one knee, but ended up falling to the ground. He picked himself up and grabbed the blue pirate's empty hand. "Vill you marry me?"

"And give up this pirate's life! Hell, no!" Kymri poked the fuzzy elf with her spoon and said, "Arrrrg," a few more times.

"Please?" Kurt's eyes became dilated and his bottom lip started to quiver.

Kymri sighed and sheathed her sword. "Fine. But only if you address me as _Captain_ Kymri, savvy?"

John clasped his hands together, but not too loudly, for fear of waking up Wanda who was starting to doze off. "Good. Great. Let's get started."

Kurt shook his drunken finger at the pyromaniac. "No. I know you, John. You marry us first."

John faked a sob. "You don't trust me; I'm hurt."

"I've seen that look in your eye before. That's the look that gets me at Cat Scratch wearing a curtain doing dishes all by myself!"

"KURT!" John screamed and threw and empty Red Bull can at him. Wanda just mumbled incoherently and wiggled a little. "Have you forgotten the three rules!"

"Ops."

Kymri raised an eyebrow to her date. "The Cat Scratch Club?"

To cover for his friend, John cleared his throat and started the ceremony. "Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today as a consequence of love, raging hormones, free cake, and an open bar. Oh, and to join these two blue people in holy matrimony. Do you, Kurt Wagner, take this pirate, Kymri - "

"_Captain_ Kymri."

" - _Captain_ Kymri to be you unlawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold, in sickness and in health. When's she's happy and when she's blue." John had to stop his speech to giggle at his own joke which no one else found very amusing. "When Davy Jones comes to reclaim her soul? When her ex-beau Jack Sparrow - " (12)

"_Captain_ Jack Sparrow."

"_Captain _Jack Sparrow comes back from the dead to sweep her off the plank with a bottle of rum?"

Kurt seriously pondered the questions. Well, as serious as a drunkard can ponder. "Vill he share the rum?"

The Aussie shrugged his empty shoulder. "Sure."

"Then I do."

"'til death do you part?"

"Yes."

"Okay." John turned to the pirate. "Do you Kymri, do the first couple things I said as well?"

"Arrgg, Aye do."

"'til death do you part?"

"Ay, Ay. Ay know it's hard to believe, but I'm gonna marry me this landlubber! ARG!"

John raised an eyebrow. "You sure? 'cause I'm not talking about 'mostly dead' here. I'm talking about all dead (13). And for an X-Men that could go through limitless near deaths and just about as many resurrections. And let's not forget crazy, long lost family members with reality-altering powers."

Kymri rolled her eyes and pulled out her spoon and held it at John's throat.

The Australian gulped. "Okay, you do. I get it. Now put that thing away and snog each other, so we can get to the important part." (14)

Five minutes later, Kymri stopped kissing Kurt and left abruptly with a new brilliant idea of how to get the bouquet away from Kitty.

John poked Wanda until she lazily opened her eyes. "What?"

"It's our turn now."

Wanda forgot what was going on, but decided to pretend to pay attention.

After regaining his breath, Kurt cleared his throat and began: "'Mavviage. Mavviage is what bvings us togetheah today. - '" (15)

John slapped his forehead and cursed. "Dammit! I can't believe I messed that. I shoulda done that."

A few hazy memories were returning to Wanda as the Red Bull kicked in. She remembered someone was going to get married.

Kurt continued, "'Mavviage, that bvessed avvangement, that dveam within a dveam. And love, tvue love, will follovv you foveveah. So tveasuve youah wife.'"

John interrupted on cue, "'Skip to the end.'"

"'Have you the ving?'"

John looked around frantically for something to use as a ring. He picked up a round pretzel from the bowl on the table and slipped it on Wanda's finger.

Wanda stared at the pretzel and remembered that she was getting married, although as to why, she had no clue. Just that it seemed like a good idea at the time, so she decided to pay a little more attention to what Kurt and John were saying.

"'And do you Pvincess Buvvercup' er.. Wanda...John you have a line."

"Oh yea. 'Man and wife! Say man and wife!'"

"Husband and wife," Wanda interjected.

"But that's not the line," John argued.

"I don't care. I will not be involved in a sexist wedding. Why _am _I marrying you again?"

"Because you love my clever wit."

Wanda snorted, but she was still determined to win the argument. "Vice."

John turned to Kurt and quickly said, "Husband and wife! Say husband and wife! No, really, say it."

Kurt obliged. "Husband and vife!"

By then their little ceremony had gained a crowd, and they all cheered. To celebrate their union, Remy threw a piece of cake at John, hitting him square in the face. The Aussie tossed the table mints back at Remy, but the thief ducked. Instead the mints got lodged up Logan's nose and in his hair. Thus the food fight began. With many of the mutants drunk, it proved to be an interesting event. Professor Xavior was extremely grateful Rogue had opted for an outdoor reception.

The action stopped only when a group of about ten brutes led by a blonde hussy in a black duster walked up to the true groom; the one with the potato salad in his hair. Soon everyone stopped to watch the scene.

John looked up from behind the overturned table he and Wanda had sought refuse behind. "Hey look at that! This is bound to get interesting."

Wanda's head emerged as well. "Why? Who are they?"

John filled her in. "That's Belladonna, Remy's ex-girlfriend, and her family. She's the one Remy joined Magneto to get away from,"

She thought his actions were quite cowardly. "Remy worked for my father to get away from a girl?"

"There was something else." John waved his hand in a dismissing manner. "But I don't remember. And from the way Remy talks this girl can make Marilyn Manson tremble and run away."

"That isn't that hard," the Witch mumbled.

The woman with the blonde braids strutted within inches of Remy, who defensively put Rogue behind him. The entire room grew silent. John looked around the table between him and the Molotov cocktail waiting to explode.

Out of curiosity, Wanda asked, "What are you looking for?"

"I need a pin to drop," he said. Wanda rolled her eyes and tuned back into Belladonna, Remy, and Rogue.

Finally, Belladonna broke the silence, "Rembrandt Etienne LeBeau!" Remy gulped as he waited for her to state her purpose for crashing his wedding reception. Instead, she slapped him hard across the face. All of the invited guests jumped and groaned at the sound it made. When Remy turned his head back to center, Belladonna finished, "How dare you not invite me to your weddin'!"

"I wonder if she's going to curse their first born child to prick a spinning wheel on her sixteenth birthday," John whispered to Wanda. (16)

Remy was confused and stammered to think of an answer. But Belladonna always had a short attention span, "So where's de booze?" The blonde looked around the room. Belladonna remembered something and pulled over a guy to her right. "You remember your cousin, Theoren? We're married now. Turns out he's ten times de man you are, Remy. If you know what I mean." The blonde winked at Rogue.

Remy was speechless, but happy that he did not have a knife jabbed into his spleen. "De bar is over d'ere." Remy pointed to the bartender with the two black eyes.

"Thanks, bebe." She kissed the cheek she didn't bruise and turned to the bar, her family following behind her.

"Do ya think they'll be any trouble, Remy?" Rogue asked as her eyes followed the blonde.

"Not as long as we keep de beer in supply," he said just as one of Belladonna's party grabbed an entire keg and started drinking from the tap. "We might have to make a run, d'ough."

Wanda blinked and looked at John. "I thought you said that was going to be interesting."

"That was disappointing. Usually when a jilted, slutty, blonde ex-girlfriend shows up, hair flies, and there's a catfight." John pouted. "I wanted a catfight."

"Do you speak from personal experience?"

John winked and put his arm around her waist. "You know there wasn't anyone before you, wife."

Wanda rolled her eyes. She turned to John with a wondering look. "Why did we get married?"

John became just as perplexed. "I honestly don't remember. Too much jagar?"

"Then you won't be insulted if I eat my ring," Wanda bit the pretzel off her ring finger.

"Next time I'll move you up to chocolate wrapper," John promised. (17)

There was a large splash, then cracking of crystal. Bobby jumped up for joy. "YES! RIGHT IN THE PUNCH BOWL! PAY UP LOSERS!" Grumbling was heard as money was exchanged.

Sam blasted over to the group. "What was the time? Ah think Ah was close."

"'John, Toad just fell from the sky.'"

St. John shrugged. "'Guess his parachute didn't open. What did you say about this place not feeling odd?'" (18)

Wanda didn't remember saying anything about oddness either, but decided to play along. "I think I said that this place doesn't seem odd compared to you."

John grinned. "Thanks!"

"It figures you would take that as a compliment."

"What? Did you expect me to get all huffy like you?"

Wanda crossed her arms and refused to look at him. "I do not get 'huffy.'"

"Yes, you do. You're doing it right now."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too, infinity."

Wanda rolled her eyes. "Are you stuck in a permanent state of infancy?"

"Yes, and you like it," he teased.

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do - ." Wanda didn't get to finish. His warm lips pressed against hers. 

After a minute, John pulled away. Wanda tried to follow his lips with hers, but he had moved too far away. He winked at her. "Do too."

The Scarlet Witch scowled. She put her hand on his chest and hexed him several feet away into a column on the back porch of the mansion. John tried to move, but he found himself adhered to the marble. Wanda strolled up to him with a sinister grin on her face. She lost her concentration when she tripped over the still unconscious body of her brother Pietro.

John hopped to the ground. Wanda quickly picked herself up and closed in the distance between them. She shoved John into the column again. She came within a few inches of his face. "Did I say you could move?" she whispered.

"I thought we were playing tag, not Simon Says."

"I had a different game in mind." Wanda put her hands on the back of his neck as she kissed him. John slipped his hands around her waist and pulled her closer. Their tongues explored each others mouths once again. One of John's hands brushed Wanda's hair out of her face, and settled behind her head. Wanda slid her hands from his neck, down the front of his shoulders across his bared chest. 

Suddenly, John broke away and exclaimed. "Oh, wait! I have an idea!" He hopped down off the porch heading to the bar, leaving Wanda standing there, flushed and speechless. She watched, confused at the randomness of the pyromaniac. She noticed the bartender had one more black eye than she remembered giving him. The man cowered behind his bar, with only his hand holding a marker outstretched to John. John swiped the marker and ran over to the unconscious Pietro. He studied the mutant for a minute before drawing a black curly mustache on his face. Wanda strolled over to the boys.

"Why is the bartender afraid of you?" Wanda asked.

"I gave him his other black eye."

"I knew I liked you for some reason."

John offered her the permanent marker. "You want a go?"

Wanda shrugged and grabbed the writing utensil. Now Pietro had devil horns on his forehead. Wanda capped the marker and threw it on Pietro's chest. "Are you about done now?"

"Yeah, sure. Sorry. Couldn't resist."

"You're supposed to say that about me, not my brother."

John made a face. "Ewww. I know he grabbed my ass once, but - "

"He grabbed your ass?"

"Yep, right there in front of the camera and everything." (19)

Wanda craned her neck to examine the said ass. "It is a little tempting."

"Really?" John turned his own head around to examine it. "Do you think I could have a modeling career?"

"I don't know." Wanda rubbed her chin in thought. "I'll have to see you with the rest of your clothes off."

John pretended to be appalled. "Wanda! Are you trying to seduce me?"

"Yes, god help me."

"You aren't very good at it."

"And you need to up your dosage of Ritalin." Wanda was tired of this game. He had worked her up several times that night only to be interrupted by other people or his own ADD. She turned and walked way, considering jumping in the pool then heading home.

John grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back to him. "Sorry, luv. You get my mind going a mile a minute." He put his finger under her chin and tilted her head for a kiss.

Wanda pulled away. "That was a pretty pathetic apology."

"Do you want to argue with me the rest of the night?"

Wanda smiled evilly and pulled John into the mansion by his jacket. John closed the door behind him and pulled Wanda back to kiss her. She slipped her hands under his jacket and tried to peal it off his arms. The jacket was still wet so John had to help her a bit. The black jacket had bled onto his white undershirt, but John didn't care about the condition of his rental anymore. 

After tossing the wet jacket across the floor, the two tumbled along the wall, heading down a random hallway. Neither one of knew where they were going. Wanda jumped up onto John, who stumbled into an end table, knocking over an expensive looking vase. While Wanda caressed the pyromaniac's neck, John again took on the challenge of untying Wanda's corset.

He cursed. "Are you sure you didn't paint this thing on?"

Wanda's head shot up. "Stop," she ordered. "Move back a few steps. Turn around." John did as he was told and found himself facing a mirror. Wanda looked over her shoulder and sent a hex bolt at it. The blue bolt reflected off the mirror and hit a candle ornament on the wall behind John's head.

"Watch where you're point that thing! Some praying mantis, you are. You aren't supposed to behead me until after," John exclaimed.

"No, I can do this." Wanda bit her lip and focused every bit of concentration in her drunk body on aiming the hex bolt for the reflection of her corset in the mirror. John closed his eyes and turned his head, anticipating the worse. "Open your eyes, you baby," Wanda teased him. He hesitantly opened one eye, then the other. The ties on Wanda's corset were undone. 

He looked in amazement at the Witch. "You are a truly magnificent woman."

"Damn straight." Wanda attacked the Aussie again. They began to move down the hallway in a torrent of passionate kisses, bouncing into walls and knocking paintings off walls. The third time they hit a wall, it opened. The couple fell backward into the metal elevator, John taking the brunt of the fall.

"What the hell is this?"

"Wanna find out?" They shared a lustful look, pulled their legs into the elevator, and pressed a random button.

* * *

With his nose in a medical journal, Henry McCoy walked the sub levels of Xavior's Institute to the medical lab. He was trying to get some more research for his thesis done. With the wedding the night before, he had gotten behind schedule and he didn't want to fall behind and push his residency back any further. But looking at his current grade in Advanced Topics of the Secretory Endocytic Pathway, he might be going to school another year anyway. 

He sensed some unusual objects in the hallway, but merely allowed his subconscious to maneuver his way around them, never looking up from his book. The door to the medical lab opened. McCoy skipped in, whistling a little tune, and turned on the lights.

"Oh, my stars and garters," he said under his breath. Files that were in neat piles on the counters were strewn across the floor. Cabinets and drawers were opened with some of the equipment hanging out of them. And every single Bunsen burner was hooked up and lit.

A sleepy groan came from the occupied cot. Beast looked over quickly but was more concerned about the condition of his lab than what those two people were doing wrapped in every clean sheet.

"Too bright," the girl said. She raised her arm. Another hand that was not her own rose from the sea of sheets as well, since they were tied together with rubber tubing. A blue bolt shot from her hand and somehow managed to hit the light switch.

Beast hopped over to his desk and turned on his lamp. "Tsk, tsk, tsk. This will take forever to reorganize." Beast spoke to his Secretory Endocytic Pathway textbook he just picked up off the floor: "Sigh, you will have to wait, my dear trafficking proteins."

"Hank, I know you were off yesterday, but did you happen to get those test results back for me? Why are the lights off?" Erik Lehnsherr, Magneto, entered the med lab and flicked on the switch.

"I said NO LIGHT!" Wanda growled. The hands attached by the rubber tubing emerged from the covers again and Wanda hexed off the lights.

Magneto's eyes adjusted to the darkness. "Wanda? What are you doing here. . ." Magneto trailed off as he saw a mass of orange hair lying on Wanda's stomach. His jaw hit the floor. He gripped his left arm and started gasping for breath.

"Could ya breath a little quieter, mate?" St. John mumbled and turned over.

Hank didn't look up from his file reorganizing until he heard Magneto hit the floor. "And Murphy's law has reared his ugly head, yet again." Beast leap over to the fallen mutant to take his vitals. No breathing, no heartbeat. The blue mutant hopped to where he kept the defibrillator. It wasn't there.

"Where is the defibrillator?" McCoy asked the two mutants on the cot.

"The what?" Wanda moaned, still mostly asleep.

"Did you check the fridge?" John suggested. "Whenever I lose something it ends up in the fridge. Or the drier. I think there is a worm hole there or something." The Aussie turned over again and fell back asleep.

With nothing else to try, Hank sped over to the refrigerator he kept samples in. Sure enough, the small machine was wedged diagonally on an empty shelf. The paddles were shoved into the pockets on the refrigerator's door.

As fast as his padded feet could take him, he tried to help his fallen comrade.

St. John peaked out from under the sheets. "Hey, Wanda. You're dad just jumped into the air while he was sleeping. I didn't know he could do that."

"He can't. You must be dreaming. Shut up and go back to sleep."

The Aussie pinched himself. "Ouch! Nope, I'm awake. And, uh, Wanda, I think your dad might be dead."

McCoy shocked Magneto once more. He bend down and took his vitals again. "Thank goodness. The Master of Magnetism has not left our company for the great beyond just yet."

"Good for him," Wanda mumbled.

"Hank," he began to awaken. "Hank, I just had the most horrible dream - "

"Welcome back old boss!" Pyro chipperly said. "You had me fooled. I thought you were taking a ride down the river Styx."

Seeing his ex-minion Pyro wrapped up in sheets in the med lab made Magneto realize that it wasn't a dream. His daughter really did sleep with the insane pyromaniac. Erik Lehnsherr collapsed for the last time that day; this time Hank McCoy was unable to revive him.

* * *

A slight breeze blew as the crowd around the open grave listened to the Rabbi speak. Wanda had gotten to the cemetery a little late, so she wasn't standing by her brother Pietro next to the grave. She was held up talking to her mentor Agatha Harkness. Agatha had said something funny to her before she left: She said it didn't really matter if she was late, it wouldn't be the last funeral her father ever had. (20) 

Wanda pushed that comment out of her mind and glared at her brother, surrounded by five crying girls she had never seen before that day. She wasn't surprised that he was using this opportunity to get into the pants of even more stupid women than usual. She was more angry that he had accused her of killing her father the day before. She told him she wasn't the one begging for him to take her to White Castle practically every day (21). Pietro retorted that he hadn't done that for at least a week and abruptly turned and sought solace in his nearest date's bosom.

She caught a movement out of the corner of her eye again. It was St. John. For the umpteenth time, he reached out for Wanda's hand and changed his mind at the last minute. She hadn't talked to him since sobering up on Sunday. Not that she didn't want to. She just had a funeral to plan and a brother to verbal and physically abuse until he agreed to help. There was another reason she avoided talking to him: She wasn't sure if their chemistry was just a result of alcohol and a wedding, or if there was something more. Seeing him there with concern for her in his eyes made her believe the latter was true.

Again he reached out and brought back his hand. Wanda, tired of his lack of guts, rolled her eyes and snatched the retreated limb. She turned her head to look at him more directly. He smiled back at her and squeezed her hand. One corner of her mouth turned upward in return before facing the longwinded Rabbi again.

John sensed how tense Wanda was, so he began to stroke his thumb across the side of her hand to calm her. Tingles stretched from her hand and up her arm. Wanda smiled and took a step closer to the pyromaniac. Now she was close enough that she could smell him. The scent calmed her and excited her all at the same time. She was eager for the ceremony to end so she could catch up with John.

Wanda looked at her watch on her other hand and wondered how long this man was going to ramble on. She could have sworn that she had heard this part already. Bored, she began scanning the cemetery for something interesting to entertain her. Growing impatient to leave, her eyes fell upon the black hearse parked at the head the funeral precession line. Wanda smiled wickedly at John and nodded her head in the direction of the vehicle. It took a second for the Aussie to catch on. He grinned and nodded.

The pair slipped out from the rest of the crowd and snuck hand-in-hand to the empty vehicle.

* * *

(1) Willy wagtail is a small black and white Australian bird that sounds like a maraca or air in a sprinkler hose.  
(2) Jim Morrison's remains lie in a leased grave in Paris.  
(3) From a Beck song (I think).  
(4) The names of the penguins and a few other minor things in this anecdote have been changed to protect the identity of my cousin, who actually did this. I'm completely serious. I really wish I was there. At his wedding one of his friends dressed up in a giant penguin suit and slow danced with him. I don't know if it was "Diego" or "Diegoita."  
(5) The full quote from _Nine Princes of Amber_ by Roger Zelazry is: "I gathered I wasn't very well liked. Somehow the feeling pleased me."  
(6) There were two rules of _Fight Club_ from the movie of the same name.  
(7) Famous quote by Groucho Marx.  
(8) Quote comes from the book _You Don't Know Me_ by David Klass.  
(9) _X-Files_ reference: 10:13  
(10) In my mind it's playing the theme song from the 90's _X-Men_ cartoon. Work with me here.  
(11) Toad of the comics finally stopped obsessing over Wanda when he saw her pregnant. Mostly because he thought she was ugly, not because she was married or carrying someone else's kids.  
(12) I just saw _Pirates of the Caribbean_: The Sequel Part I, okay. Now I have to wait until next summer to see The Sequel Part II or what is being officially called _World's End_.  
(13) "Mostly dead" is a term defined in _The Princess Bride_ as "Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do. ... Go through his clothes and look for loose change."  
(14) Snog is Brit slang for kiss or make-out.  
(15) The infamous marriage speech from, guess what? _The Princess Bride_. Big surprise there.  
(16) Allusion to the greatest Disney villain ever, Maleficent from _Sleeping Beauty_.  
(17) My god, I think the world is ending. I just made a reference to a Keanu Reeves movie. This refers to the movie _Walk in the Clouds_. A little guilty pleasure of mine. Don't ask me why.  
(18) Paraphrased _X-Files_ quote from the episode "Die Hand die Verletzt."  
(19) Pietro totally grabbed Pyro's ass in the _XME_ episode "Dark Horizon, Part II."  
(20) Exactly how many times has Magneto died, anyway?  
(21) White Castle is a fast-food joint in the Mid-west/New England area. White Castle is featured in the movie _Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle. _Personally, I think it is the most disgusting place on the planet and the closest thing their "beef" ever came to a cow was the picture printed on the box it's shipped in. My best friend's aunt used to threaten to take us there. I do know some people who crave the stuff and even go so far as to buy the frozen White Castle hamburgers in the grocery store. Evidence supporting the unpopular theory that my friends are weirder than I am. 


End file.
